Let Me Tell You What Sucks

Here's what sucks: Medical insurance. I don't have any and I need to go to the doctor. What sucks is that I'm cheap. I don't want to waste money on a doctor's appointment when I could spend it on something else such as house things or kid things. I've created a habit of spending money on anyone but me...if I can help it. For the one person who knows about my issue and has practically begged me to go to the doctor, well, we did call. For about $500.00 I can "find out" if my lump is cancer or not. And for how much more could I actually fight it if it is? Ugh! What if it's not? Do you know how many different ways I can spend $500?

Medicaid? Ha! That's another thing that sucks. Owning your own business and seeing lots of income but in all honesty, bills and employees gobble that up. What sucks is calling the doctor and having them say to call back on Monday to find out about the place across the street that deals with lumps. Lumps...ugh...stupid word. Considering that my lump has been here for almost a year (or at least that's when I found it) and that I'm having shortness of breath and chest pain, I'll give myself about a 95% chance that it IS cancer. It sucks that I probably can't afford the treatment. On the other hand, sometimes I don't even care.

I want to finish Dead Butterflies but I've pretty much given up. I'll get excited about it for maybe five minutes and then move on to something else...like laundry. I have a why bother attitude most days. But then sometimes I'll look at the house or the kids and think, "Will I get to see this or that happen? Will I be there for his or her birthday? Will I get to do this or that with them?" One minute I want to rush to the doctor and demand answers...with money I don't have. Other times I just want to get it over with...death that is...without the cost of treatment...so that no one has to go into debt.

So yeah, it sucks...it's like a toss of a coin. Live? Die? Buy a pool or get chemo? The pool sounds nice.